Out of my tree

Out of my tree - 5:15 p.m. 2006-07-01 <<archive>>

I'm having a mental breakdown. Work is killing me. Life is getting the best of me, and it was only a matter of time before I would begin to lose my kindly temperment. I just don't care anymore. I just don't have a reason to keep up the routine. Hitting rock-bottom seems like a natural progression to a casual existence. Of dispair. Down-and-out mindset is a just one way of coping with loss. And it all contributes to my state, and it all recoils my empathy. Spite or emptiness begat vigilante intentions initially in the Garden. Now it is all simply irrational. Forcefully attempting to betray common sense and do the wrong thing.

I took a walk for six hours. I did this for 5 days in-a-row. Somehow my sense of direction became as clouded as my lack of reasoning and relative positioning was lost, as I had found myself. Confusion, utterly intense confusion. Sadness and betrayal then took a step up. Breathe; 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10... Arrest, tightened chest seized to the point of blue lips and panic. Everything is spinning. The hot Sun makes dizzying whirling and spiraling motions and loss of equilibrium. Breathe.

Pelted by gamma rays, the transformation begins. The rage builds. I need a spinache cure to counter-act this changing inside of me. I need a neutralizing agent -- a new drug to pacify my intentions. I need a sign. I need a friend. I need to forget all good things. Think nothing of potential and what could have been. You can't be what you were, so you better start living the life (I am told.) And I live for an icon and an empty apartment that is full of clutter. I am locked within my claustrophobia. It feels like desperate grasps for the last bubble expelled while surfacing for a new breath before the lungs cease to function.

I want to destroy myself. I want to change. I want to be someone better. I want to be someone whom doesn't think. I don't want to question every action/in-action. I just want to move without conscience. I just want.

(Or, at least, I want to want to want. Does that make sense. Because I just feel empty.)

I'm torn to do the right thing. I need to take a vacation. I need to begin a journey to find a new home. I'm vulnerable and weak. I might just suffocate.

KLL

"dairyland."